Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
