just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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