I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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