he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
