my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
