I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
