Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize