she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
