grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize