we made out on top of his cat.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
