Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You've changed since you got that strap on
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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