you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
