Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
