Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
