nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
And then he peed in my hair
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