doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
