so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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