dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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