I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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