i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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