you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
