This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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