It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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