i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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