I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
