I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
