oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
