Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
