She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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