I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Randomize
