i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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