What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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