Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
