Umm I'm too high to move.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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