Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
