At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
