There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
