this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
