i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize