Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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