her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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