i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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