i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
