Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
