I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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