Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
