The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize