Apparently you make a good broom.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
