I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
