Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
