i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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