WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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