ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
