I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
