Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
ttyl tear gas
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
