There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
