I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize