Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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