it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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