you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
