Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
